Natalie's Journey

Hey guys! I've never blogged before in my life, so this is the first time..... kind of like how it's the first time I will be going to Amsterdam, and kind of like how it will be the first time I go on a missions trip.

Ok.. so last summer, while working in I.T., Chelsea Engstrom came into the office looking for a cord. At that point, Chelsea and I hadn't really talked a lot, but right before she left she stopped and looked at me and said something along the lines of, "Next summer we're putting a team together to go to Amsterdam. You should really think about coming." I smiled and told her I would think about it... but the whole time in the back of my head I was thinking "Nope. Not gunna happen." I had other plans, other places I wanted to go, other ministries I wanted to be involved in. Plus, since when had I ever cared about Amsterdam? She left, and I completely forgot about it.

Meanwhile, God was changing my heart completely. I was no longer someone who loved God on sundays and had a separate life -- God had been encountering me and unearthing my identity; I could no longer deny that God was my life, solely and completely, and that I would never, ever be happy unless I was following God with complete abandon to the ends of the earth.

I was going to go to Burkina Faso and do missions work, but the whole time in the back of my mind and in my spirit I knew that it was going to fall through. True to form, I continued pushing and telling God, well, if you don't give me something else to do I'm going anyways. But, as most of you know, challenging God is always really good for a laugh, because unlike a lot of other people, when He takes up a challenge He wins. So, the day I realized completely Burkina wasn't going to work out, the missions chapel at Simpson took place. I knew before I got there that something really pivotal was going to happen, and the second the Amsterdam Team got up and shared their heart, everything inside me lit on fire and my skin was burning and my stomach dropped, and I felt God say "You're going." Immediately, I began to argue with the Lord, telling Him that it was impossible, that there was no way I would go to Amsterdam, that I had other plans and I couldn't back out on them, and what about Burkina? But my body was on fire and my spirit was crying out and the more and more I argued with the Lord the worse it got until I couldn't deny it anymore. So, I caved. And the second I said, "Fine. I'm going," everything in my spirit was released and there was a rush and my stomach dropped even farther and my body was shaking and I was suddenly terrified and excited and scared all at the same time, because it was the most REAL calling I had ever felt and I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that I was going and nothing could stop it.

When the chapel ended, I ran to the front to Elisa and Chelsea and told them what had happened, and Chelsea looked at me and remembered that she had spoken to me over the summer, and then I remembered, and she told me that at the time she didn't even really know what came over her except that the Holy Spirit told her to tell me about Amsterdam. Confirmation? I think so. So, I took an application, applied, and was accepted onto the team.

Now, this is where my "journey" gets a little tricky and hard. While being accepted on the team and knowing more clearly than I have ever known anything that I was going to Amsterdam, I still had a major hurdle to jump. I love my family so dearly, and they have nothing in their hearts save love for me, as well -- but, our views on success and what is appropriate to do in life are not the same. We tend to fall in a cycle of getting along and on a fairly regular interval falling into complete disrepair because my dreams and visions and heart don't really line up with their view of what is practical or what I should want to do. In all honesty, my parents terrified me, and I didn't go home very often or share my heart because I knew what would happen. So this, this was a huge breaking point for me, and was basically the ultimate sacrifice I could make in order to see my and God's dreams fulfilled. I knew this was the end, the moment of letting go of EVERYTHING I had clung to, because when you hold something with open hands the Lord can take it and then give it back to you. I would truly be breaking free of everything that held me back from following my calling and the dreams God had instilled in my heart. I knew my parents would cut me off, and I was willing to release them from my expectations and let go of "having a family" for a while, in order to see this through.

Fully knowing this, I decided to "fast and pray" for a few days before I told them the big news. That's what people do before big decisions, right? Well... that had never been a part of my relationship with God before, and in all honesty, a part of me wanted to fast so that I could prolong telling them as much as possible. It's also funny how God knows what you're doing even when you don't admit it, because the night before I was going to fast I went to a healing conference, and God encountered me during worship and began speaking to my heart, about all the pains and wounds and hurts that I never acknowledge concerning my family. I didn't want to talk about those things, but the Lord was firm and told me He was healing me, that I needed to deal with it and that in healing my wounds and hurts my life would be able to manifest the way it was supposed to in the future. He told me it was going to hurt, but that in the end it would be so much more beautiful, that the sacrifice was worth it. And, He continued moving and speaking to my heart of hearts. Of course I was crying and shaking and when it was over my nose was running and I felt raw inside. And instead of stopping and suddenly feeling so great, my nose didn't stop running and I was immediately sick. At this point I'm thinking what the heck?? I'm at a HEALING conference and God just told me that He's healing my heart and now I feel raw and I'm sick? The next few days were hard, I was sick, and I felt like I was having trouble hearing God's voice. Needless to say, no fasting was going to happen since I could hardly breathe.

A few days later I had a breakthrough, and things got easier. I wasn't as sick and I could hear the Lord and He was speaking and revealing things to me and I was understanding. I had been getting attacked subtley for the past few days, the lies of the enemy suddenly falling on me and I would instantly start to feel panicky and have to speak out that the Lord was bigger than the lies and the panic would subside. That sunday at Bethel, during worship, I was entertaining the idea of fasting again, (although why, I have no idea..!) and then I began to feel panicky, hearing all the lies about my family, until suddenly something inside me clicked and I told God that I didn't care. I didn't care if the entire world cast me aside and no one for the rest of my life was proud of me or accepted me, because as long as my Father was proud of me and I was following Him no one else mattered. And the moment I said this, God said suddenly, "Then tell your parents tomorrow." That caught me off gaurd a little bit... and so I was thinking "God are you serious? What am I going to say to them?" And the Lord said, "Let me speak." To which my response is oh, that's great, because I'm really good at letting you speak when I talk to my parents... But He continued to whisper it, and so what could I do? Only trust my Dad and let Him do His thing.

The next day was intense, and I was getting attacked and I had to go and worship and jump around in puddles to get out my anxiety. The Lord made it very, very clear that that moment, that day, was exactly where I was supposed to be. I came back in my room and spent some quality time with Him, making sure I was coated in grace before I spoke to parents, and the Lord showed me multiple things about the step I was making towards His heart and my future. This was about so much more than me, and I could no longer deny it. Right before I left His presence, He told me what me that when I spoke to my parents, there would be a false front, and the flood would come after. And so, I called my family. True to God's word, that's exactly what happened. Sparing the details, my mom was quite calm in comparison to how conversations like that normally unfold, but quickly got off the phone and I knew that was the end. I wouldn't be talking to them for a while, and I had to be ok with letting the Lord do His thing while my Amsterdam team became my family. My mom sent me one email explaining the ways that I ways that I was now "on my own" and that I wasn't their responsibility anymore, and then ceased speaking to me all together.

At this point I also realized that I no longer had a job, that I was going to owe a lot of money for next year on my own, discluding Amsterdam and my fundraising for that, and that I may not even get my fafsa information to come back to Simpson from my parents because they didn't want to help me in any way. I was now sitting on the highest limb of the flimsiest tree on the very tip, and I had absolutely nothing left. For the first time, I really and truly was simply living on faith. Circumstances and pracitcal points of view would say to drop Amsterdam. To drop my dreams and pursue what any normal person would persue, take care of yourself, and "be responsible." But I couldn't. If I could have, I would have, because it was too hard to want to do by myself save for the promises God had made me and knowing that I needed to do it. It was too beautiful, to big, for me to be able to let go. I couldn't. And besides, is it really responsible to know that the creator of the world is doing something huge and phenomenal and that you are a part of it, and to ignore what He has put on your heart?

God continued to affirm and confirm and re-confirm our trip. My Amsterdam team immediately became my family. The Lord spoke and continues to speak so clearly about our trip, about our purpose and our dreams and His dreams, our passions and our future together. This is no normal missions trip and this is unlike anything I have ever been a part of. The women whose hearts I now share are some of the most phenomenal women I have ever been blessed to work with toward a common goal, and I love them with all my heart. God has brought us together for such a time as this, and as we join hands and race toward Amsterdam with the heart of the Father, the dreams and opportunities will just get bigger and bigger, more real and more radical, every day. For an update, in continuing to press in with my family I had called, emailed, written letters and done everything save actually driving home and make them confront me, and they had refused to answer. But about a month went by and the Lord brought them to me. I now talk with my mom, although Amsterdam is never mentioned and is pretended to not exist, and for the first time a few days ago I talked to my dad for the first time. God will be faithful to His promises, and while it's hard I know it's the right thing. I have never been more free in my life, and Amsterdam is only the beginning.

God is doing huge works there, redeeming and renewing the hearts of the people, and we get to be a part of this. What an honor, and what an amazing testimony to God's power and grace and goodness this trip is going to be. I am so blessed and so grateful that I get to take part in the dream and vision that God birthed in my team leaders hearts, as we strive toward God's passion together.